Hello. I’m Shannon and I’m a bit of a dickhead. I’m inappropriate and I curse too much and I have made thousands of penis jokes in my 34 years, even in front of my poor mum. I live in a town in Australia with Mr Shannon, our two little boys, three chooks, two dogs and one shitstain of a cat. Keeping them all alive is busy work but it fills my sooty heart with love.
I’m not just a mum and a knob; I’m also a registered nurse. I love being a nurse, even though it means I’ve had liquid poo splattered on my face once (yes, with an open mouth) and my leg urinated on twice. Nursing hasn’t just given me unsolicited contact with other people’s bodily fluids; it has also given me zero tolerance for bullshit like, for example, the sudden and meteoric rise of health bloggers who seem to think that drinking from a coconut is enough of a qualification to disseminate health advice.
It also means I give a fuck about being healthy. Because the food you eat doesn’t just affect your level of hotness and associated stiffie-induction levels, it also affects the motherfucking organs inside you. Good food helps you live with energy, shit awesome shits and last the distance.
But I also discovered the healthy food world can be as appealing as having your bikini line tidied up with a high-pressure hose. It’s a little overzealous. It can be obnoxious, preachy and full of fads. It’s usually boring, and worst of all, it can make you feel like a real douchenozzle when you ‘fail’ and hook into an entire BBQ chicken and family-size block of chocolate before you’ve even driven away from the supermarket.
The wankers and fuck-knuckles of this community really chapped my fanny and, quite frankly, some of their recipes tasted like penis. So I started creating my own healthy recipes because healthy food isn’t just for uptight dickbeetles, health nerds and classy highbrow types – it’s for everyone. Even scallywags like me.
And that’s how my ridiculous healthy food blog, Shannon’s Kitchen, was born.
I don’t believe there’s one particular way everyone should eat because everybody is different. While one bloke is pumping on a vegan diet, some other poor chick tries it and ends up so anaemic she’d be willing to suck a scabby, bleeding dick just for the goddamn iron. One woman swears by the paleo ‘lifestyle’ but another gives it a go and ends up having to wee out a kidney stone that leaves her urethra in tatters. One bloke is all about the ketogenic diet; another tries it, faints on the bus and does a wee in his trousers. We’re all different.
The recipes in Shannon’s Kitchen come with two basic guidelines:
HOW MANY FUCKS WILL I NEED TO GIVE?
Before we consider cooking a meal, we all want to know: ‘How many fucks will I need to give?’ Sometimes you have all the fucks to give, and sometimes you would rather punch yourself in the genitals to excuse yourself from fuck-giving. To make it easy for you, I have included a fuck-giving rating system. From this you can see if a meal will be a piece of piss or if it will require more of a fuck-giving investment.
1. This is some easy shit.
2. This requires moderate fuck-giving.
3. You’re going to need to saddle up a stiffie because the fucking-giving odds are high.
HOW TASTY IS THIS SHIT?
Sometimes you’re happy to just slap some nourishing shit together and call it a day. Other days your tongue is hankering for a good time. To make it easy, I have developed a nipple erection rating system. Just how sprightly will my nipples become on tasting this dish? Are we talking a little tingle in Leftie? Or is this so tasty I’m going to be sporting a serious set of raging nipple boners?
1. Pretty tasty.
2. Very fucking tasty.
3. So damn tasty you’ve sprouted a third nipple because two nipp-stiffies isn’t enough to express the excitement.
This cookbook is silly as fuck. I mention doodles and nipple boners far too much but the recipes are achievable, tasty and will give you healthy food you’ll actually fucking eat, like this Feeling Like Shit Chicken Soup.