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  • Published: 5 January 2021
  • ISBN: 9781784709402
  • Imprint: Vintage
  • Format: Paperback
  • Pages: 304
  • RRP: $19.99

You’re Not Listening

What You’re Missing and Why It Matters




When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you?

This life-changing book will transform your conversations and your relationships forever

'BRILLIANT' Chris Evans, Virgin Radio Breakfast Show

When was the last time you listened to someone, or someone really listened to you?

This life-changing book will transform your conversations forever.
At work, we're taught to lead the conversation.

On social media, we shape our personal narratives.

At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians.

We're not listening.

And no one is listening to us.

Now more than ever, we need to listen to those around us. New York Times contributor Kate Murphy draws on countless conversations she has had with everyone from priests to CIA interrogators, focus group moderators to bartenders, her great-great aunt to her friend's toddler, to show how only by listening well can we truly connect with others.

Listening has the potential to transform our relationships and our working lives, improve our self-knowledge, and increase our creativity and happiness. While it may take some effort, it's a skill that can be learnt and perfected.

When all we crave is to understand and be understood, You're Not Listening shows us how.

* With a new afterword by the author *

'This book couldn't be more timely. Inspiringly profound...smart and playful' Observer
'I'll be adopting Murphy's advice' Sunday Times, Style

  • Published: 5 January 2021
  • ISBN: 9781784709402
  • Imprint: Vintage
  • Format: Paperback
  • Pages: 304
  • RRP: $19.99

About the author

Kate Murphy

Journalist Kate Murphy is a New York Times contributor whose eclectic and much-shared pieces have explored an extraordinary range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, and real estate. Kate is known for her fresh and accessible way of explaining complex subjects, particularly the science behind social interactions, helping readers understand why people behave the way they do.

Praise for You’re Not Listening

The premise of this book couldn't be more timely... inspiringly profound… Smart and playful... It feels like a reiteration of something essential... Murphy is here to remind us – entertainingly and compellingly – exactly why it matters so much, especially right now. Hear, hear.

Viv Groskop, Observer

Gripping from start to finish... brilliant…extraordinarily interesting…full of meat and gold.

Chris Evans, Virgin Radio Breakfast Show

Fiercely topical... You're Not Listening is an intriguing and constructive take on the problem... and a manual for better communication. Murphy’s book is intelligent and thought-provoking… Listening is when someone take a real interest in who you are…a moment of attunement and understanding that sticks in both heads. We could all do with some of that.

Melanie Reid, The Times

It’s time for a spot of re-education... A fascinating guide to something we assume we do automatically, yet for the most part do very badly... The art of listening is really the art of being human.

Stephen Moss, Guardian

We are losing this most crucial, arguably, of our skills in the modern world... I'll be adopting Murphy's advice... and I will be employing "support" responses everywhere.

Charlotte Edwardes, Sunday Times Style Magazine

As any Samaritans volunteer will tell you, learning to listen properly can change lives — your own included. You’re Not Listening perfectly describes a problem a lot of us face in the smartphone age, and how to fix it.

Holly Brockwell, Evening Standard

Murphy has correctly identified a problem... This isn't a neo-Luddite manifesto, urging us to wean ourselves decisively off our phones, but it is a useful reminder that happiness often lies elsewhere.

Amelia Gentleman, Guardian

This lively book makes an impassioned plea for listening… an instructive and thought-provoking book that will help readers think about the way they frame questions and responses to forge intimacy.

Emma Jacobs, Financial Times

In an age of echo chambers and multiple narratives, there is a lot of noise going on but very little listening. In this insightful, cogently reasoned book, Murphy extols the myriad virtues of this underused skill... A thoughtful, eloquent volume that could transform not just your relationships but your own worldview as well.

Waterstones Best Non-fiction Books for 2020

If you’re like most people, you don’t listen as often or as well as you’d like. There’s no one better qualified than a talented journalist to introduce you to the right mindset and skillset - and this book does it with science and humour.

Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Originals and Give and Take

In this powerful and potentially life-changing book… the US journalist and author argues that in this age of technology and political division, actually just listening is more important than ever... Part expose, part rousing call to action, and part manual of practical advice... The book looks to be to listening what Susan Cain’s Quiet was to introversion.

Caroline Sanderson, Bookseller

I was instantly hooked by Kate Murphy's simple but profound argument--that although listening is the foundation of communication, innovation, growth, and love, few of us really know how to do it properly, or where to even start. You're Not Listening is a captivating and enlightening book that provides readers with a road map on how to listen and why it is so important to how we connect, work, and live.

Kim Scott, New York Times bestselling author of Radical Candor

An essential book for our times. How well we listen determines how we love, learn, and connect with one another, and in this moment when we need to hear and be heard more than ever, this thought-provoking and engaging book shows us how.

Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

Wide ranging, deeply researched, readable and persuasive. Ms Murphy, we hear you!

Rose Shepherd, Saga Magazine, *Books to Look Our For in 2020*

Full of fascinating insights and advice on the art of listening... a deeply researched and thought-provoking read… [that] feels timely and necessary

Eastern Daily Press, *Book of the Week*

A thoroughly researched piece of long-form journalism… An interesting read.

Natalie Bowen, UK Press Syndication

Murphy offers a timely reminder of how we could enrich out lives and relationships if we redouble our efforts to listen to opposing views.

Lucy Popescu, Tablet

In an age when technology has made it easier than ever before to talk with each other, we've paradoxically become worse at listening. Fortunately, we have Kate Murphy to teach us how to reclaim this crucial skill. This book changed the way I think about communicating with the people who matter to me.

Cal Newport, New York Times bestselling author of Deep Work and Digital Minimalism

A timely intervention

Niki Seth-Smith, New Humanist

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