Top-secret Hollywood secrets

Lauren Graham’s Talking as Fast as I Can is about growing up, starting out, and the time she was asked to audition with her butt. The beloved star of Gilmore Girls and Parenthood shares stories about life, love, and working in Hollywood. And there’s plenty of insights to learn from. From the chapter titled ‘You Can’t Be Vegan Just for Ellen’, here Graham reveals some of the dieting advice she’s received over the years.

Here are some… of the Top-Secret Hollywood Secrets I’ve learned from years of talking to the best nutritionists, personal trainers, Eastern and Western medicine practitioners, and famous skinny people. Every bit of advice below was actually given to me by a fancy person, or someone who knows a fancy person and the methods they use to stay fancy.

Over the years, I’ve been told that meat is an important protein; meat is bad for you; the best way to lose weight is to eat a high-protein diet; the best way to lose weight is to eat a vegan diet; juicing is good for you; juice cleanses are point­less; someone with my blood type should eat only lamb, mut­ton, turkey, and rabbit, and avoid chicken, beef, ham, and pork; bacon is okay; bacon is bad for you; consuming fat helps you lose weight; all fats should be avoided or used minimally; yogurt helps your digestion; yogurt has no impact on your digestion; calcium from dairy is good for you; dairy is bad for you; gluten is no problem for people without celiac dis­ease; everyone should be gluten-free; kale is a superfood; too much kale can actually result in a thyroid condition causing you to gain weight; and using non-natural toothpaste can cause bloating of up to five pounds. Just eating fruits and veg­etables? Sure, that sounds like a good plan, as long as you aren’t sensitive to nightshades (eggplant, tomatoes, peppers), like some people are. You could probably be fine if you ate nothing but spinach all day, unless it’s the spinach that was part of the recent salmonella recall. Fruits are okay, but some fruits, like bananas, are so high in natural sugar you might as well eat a piece of cake. What’s that? You’re still eating regular, processed sugar, the kind that’s actually in cake? AHMAGAH, how are you still standing? Should I call an ambulance? If indeed you do end up at the hospital, just remember you shouldn’t eat grapefruit before taking medications because it can block their effectiveness. So enjoy your new diet of berries and water, people—unless you’re allergic to strawberries, that is, as many people are! And don’t forget to also be very very very worried about GMOs! And don’t drink just any water either: tap water is obviously poison, but beware the BPAs in your bottled water too. Also, try to get the type of bottled water that addresses your imbalanced pH levels, because while you may not know it yet, most of us are too acidic and not alkaline enough! Well, there you have it! Make sense? After all, I’ve given you the secret to everything. It’s obvious what you should do now. Could it be any clearer? You’re welcome!