Life: What Nat to Do

WHAT’S GARNON, CHAMPION?

This is the bit where I introduce the book to you and you get to decide whether it’s a shit idea to read it or not. Maybe you read the other two I wrote and thought I could have done a little better, so you’re back for the third effort hoping that I don’t cook it this time?

Whatever the reason, here goes the big sell . . .

Let me ask you this: does it give you the major fucken shits when some random wannabe hero notices you’re not smiling the way they’d like and dishes you some verbal trash such as ‘You know it takes more effort to frown than it does to smile!’? Does it ever give you the Jiminy Crickets having to read all the fucking annoying positive affirmations plastered over the walls of your local café? Does it make you wanna puke and explode into flames all at once when some arsehole tells you to make lemonade out of lemons?

If the answer to any of these is yes, then champion, you have come to the right place. I have spent a lifetime downloading unsolicited, cringey and superfluous life tips from all sorts of scenarios, everywhere from placemats to people. How are we as champions with complex personalities and unique lives supposed to deal with being constantly bulldozed by such stupid sayings that have little to no modern relevance to the situation at hand?

How do people fucken keep getting away with it?! I’ve had a gutful of shit advice.

‘Everything is meant to be.’ Oh really? Meant to be what?

‘Smile more, you’ll be happier!’

How about ya mind your own lack of compassionate business?

And why is Carpe Diem a shockingly great call?

It’s not!

It’s nonsense like this that’s just a flowery way to say something you already knew was an option but might not be in a position to act on right now. Thanks for the Carpe Diem idea, champ, but did you ever stop to consider that I could be a little overwhelmed right now and what’s seizing my day is more like a series of panic attacks, so I’m not hugely available for double black diamond runs, skydiving and climbing Mount Everest? Calm down, mate.

This is why I wanted to write this book. I’ve collected some of the worst examples of exhausting old annoying prattle and broken them down with large doses of my bloody opinion and the occasional mental health chat. Some could argue that I am in fact guilty of doing the very same thing I’m critiquing by dishing out all these unrequested hot takes, but I assume that by picking up this book you’re down for hearing me sound off about them. To put it simply, it’s a bit of a ‘take it or leave it’ kinda vibe, so Carpe Book, eh?

I do have a fucking lot of opinions, and I do like to swear a lot so there is a bit of that going on, particularly about issues I consider to be bullshit or need to be had a chat about. I have made a career out of demonstrating how unnecessary and over the top a lot of the ‘normal’ things are in life, so that’s what gave me the big idea of writing a book about them. A lot of my carrying-on has been in the kitchen, which brings me to my next point and one that may shock you:

This isn’t a cookbook. Soz about it!

This information may be a touch jarring (lol) for a few readers out there who find themselves asking ‘Hang on, aren’t you that fucken long-haired YouTube bloke who does all the swearing and cooking things?’ While that is true and while that part is totally rad, not everything I do revolves around cooking. BUT ALAS that’s not to say I don’t have something to offer in that department. I have written one of those cookbook things. It’s called Death to Jar Sauce and it’s sick if I don’t mind saying so myself, which it seems I don’t. So champion, if it’s cookbooks you’re looking for then never fear, I have your back: it’s bright pink, filled with sick illustrations and has flames on the cover so you won’t miss it. In fact, I have another fucken book that’s yellow and has recipes in it as well, so if you prefer the colour yellow then this is sterling news.

I have to do a simultaneous horn-tootin’ and thank-you combo for helping those two books win Favourite Australian Book of the Year Award two years in a row! Fucken hell, what ripper news, thanks gang.

So hopefully these few paragraphs have sold you on the idea that this book won’t be total shit. Obviously I’m going to tell you it’s fucken awesome, but that is for you to make your own mind up about. Please enjoy (or put back on the shelf).

- Nat