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  • Published: 13 November 2022
  • ISBN: 9781529106596
  • Imprint: Ebury Press
  • Format: Trade Paperback
  • Pages: 304
  • RRP: $39.99

How to be an Ex-Footballer

The first truly insider guide to being a Premiership footballer, from Britain's funniest sporting icon.

'The funniest man in British sport' - Metro

Featured on BBC Radio 2 with Chris Evans

You become a footballer because you love football. And then you are a footballer, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all. A world where one team-mate comes to training in a bright red suit with matching top-hat, cane and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and another has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the train station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration plate.

So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players refuse to touch a football before a game, to discover why a load of millionaires never have any shower-gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says when he looks at himself in the mirror.

We will go into post-match interviews, make fools of ourselves on social media and try to ensure that we never again pay £250 for a haircut that should have cost a tenner. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez and be soothed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant Tord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions.

I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?

Can't get enough of Crouch? Tune into That Peter Crouch Podcast on Radio 5 Live

  • Published: 13 November 2022
  • ISBN: 9781529106596
  • Imprint: Ebury Press
  • Format: Trade Paperback
  • Pages: 304
  • RRP: $39.99

About the author

Peter Crouch

Peter Crouch was a professional footballer for over 20 years. He has 42 England caps, scored over 100 Premier League goals and holds the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history. He's now a bestselling author, award-winning podcast host and champion of grassroots football.

Also by Peter Crouch

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Praise for How to be an Ex-Footballer

However overpaid and preening you might assume Premier League footballers to be, think again. They're worse, according to this amusing insider's account

Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year

Who knew that a footballer could be funny? ... What you realise, as you laugh out loud, is that football has been taken too seriously by too many people for too long... Most other football books wither by comparison

Daily Mail Sports Book of the Year

As someone who's been there, done it and got the ill-fitting T-shirt, Crouch is well placed to shed light on the bizarre world of the modern player in a funny, down-to-earth way... He made his name on the pitch ... but with this book, Crouch proves he is a good sport off it, too

Jade Craddick, Sun

On his way to being a national treasure... most enjoyable

Daily Telegraph

The funniest man in British sport


Peter Crouch is a comedy genius

Daily Mail

One of the funniest human beings on the planet

Romesh Ranganathan

Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player

Sunday Times

I'm not a big book reader, I'm just not. And I've skimmed through this already and thought 'I'm gonna really, really, really, really like this. Seriously, I'm really gonna like it

Chris Moyles

I've never read a sports book before, but it is really funny

Alex Jones

Good footballers come and go but comedy genius - that's for life

Johnny Vaughan

I've read a good number of books by footballers, both for business and pleasure, and this is easily one of the best, mainly on the grounds that it's incredibly funny

Ben Machell, The Times Magazine

One of the funniest books ever


Incredibly funny

Jilly Cooper

Endearing and very funny

Choice Magazine

Full of terrific anecdotes and unexpected confessions

Daily Express

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