> Skip to content

Article  •  24 April 2018

 

A bolt from below

Martin Seligman reveals some life-changing wisdom from a pint-sized adviser.

As a pioneer of the Positive Psychology movement, these days Martin Seligman’s practice centres on eliminating misery – instead focusing on affirmative drivers like gratitude, resilience and hope. But his approach was not always so optimistic. In fact, it took some insights into his own grouchiness, delivered by his five-year-old daughter Nikki, no less, to open the door to a new way of thinking about the power of positivity on mental health. From the pages of his memoir The Hope Circuit, here Seligman describes the lightning-bolt moment that altered his career path forever.

My family and I were driving through Yellowstone Park in the late spring of 1996 when I got the news that changed the course of my life. I went to a pay phone and found out that I had been elected president of the American Psychological Association (APA). It was then, and remains now, one of the greatest honors of my life.

A few months later, I attended the APA convention in Toronto as president-elect-elect (I’d become president-elect the following year and president the year after that). I was told that there was no place for me to sit on the floor of council, and while the rank and file greeted me warmly, even effusively, I got one cold shoulder after another from the establishment, whose chosen candidate I had soundly defeated in the election. I returned from Toronto dismayed, wondering if I could be effective on this national stage.

The answer came by way of epiphany.

‘Get to work, Nikki,’ I shouted irritably. It was three weeks after the Toronto convention, and I was low. We were supposed to be weeding. Nikki, however, was having a great time, throwing weeds in the air, dancing, and singing. She startled when I shouted at her, walked away, and slowly walked back.

‘Daddy, can I talk to you?’

I nodded.

‘Daddy, do you remember before my fifth birthday I was a whiner, I whined every day?’

I nodded.

‘Have you noticed that since my fifth birthday, I haven’t whined once?’

I nodded.

‘Well, on my birthday, I decided that I was going to stop whining, and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And if I can stop whining, you can stop being such a grouch.’

I was stunned. Nikki was exactly right.

First, I was a grouch and proud of it. But it occurred to me for the very first time that maybe any success I’d had was not because I could see every flaw—because of my ‘critical intelligence’—but in spite of it. If Nikki could change, so could I. I decided to change.

Second, my ‘remedial’ view of raising my children was wrong. If I could correct all my kid’s errors—shouting at Nikki’s indolence—I would somehow end up with an exemplary child. What nonsense. Instead I had to identify what Nikki was really good at—and I’d just seen it: gleaning insight into other people—reward it, and help her to lead her life around her strengths, not waste her time thanklessly correcting her weaknesses.

Most significantly, I got the idea that powered the rest of my life: psychology could be explicitly about building the good life. The current practice and science of psychology was half-baked. Psychology started with the premise that not getting it wrong equaled getting it right. If psychology could somehow eliminate all the ills of the world—mental illness, prejudice, ignorance, poverty, pessimism, loneliness, and the like—human life would be at its best. But the absence of ill-being does not equal the presence of well-being. Psychology could be about the presence of happiness not merely about the absence of unhappiness.

Not getting it wrong does not equal getting it right.

Feature Title

The Hope Circuit
One of the most important psychologists alive today tells the story of the transformation of modern psychology through the lens of his own career and change of heart.
Read more

More features

See all
Article
Natasha Swingler shares her #1 tip for starting your decluttering journey

We caught up with the creator behind @effectivespaces to learn about her upcoming book.

Article
A brief guide to Gregg Hurwitz’s Orphan X series

Everything you need to know about Evan Smoak – known as Orphan X – and the books that follow his complex life.

Article
The series adaptation of A Gentleman in Moscow is almost here!

Eight years after the book was first published, fans of A Gentleman in Moscow will finally be able to see Count Rostov on screen.

Article
Meet the characters from The Tea Ladies

Meet the tea ladies from Amanda Hampson’s Tea Ladies series.

Article
Celebrate the 10th anniversary of Friday Barnes with these fun activities

2024 marks ten years of the Friday Barnes book series. Discover a few ideas for celebrating this impressive milestone.

Article
CBCA Book of the Year Notables 2024

5 Penguin books have made the Notables list this year. Learn more about them here.

Article
Books to keep older kids busy this Easter

Easter is almost here – and there is no better gift to give than a book! Learn more about some of the best books to gift older readers.

Article
Look Inside Peter’s First Easter

Look inside this cute and colourful board book, perfect for introducing children to the world of Peter Rabbit.

Article
Look inside The Tale of Benjamin Bunny Picture Book

Sneak a peek at the brand new picture book edition of the original tale.

Article
What to read this International Women’s Day – as recommended by authors

In honour of International Women’s Day, we asked some of our inspiring women authors to share the books they love.

Article
How well do you know Formula 1?

Author and motorsport journalist Andrew van Leeuwen shares some surprising facts (and fictions) about the sport.

Article
If you liked This Time It’s Real, you’ll love Ann Liang’s new book

Learn more about Ann Liang’s new book, I Hope This Doesn’t Find You.

Looking for more articles?

See all articles