Unstuck

Chapter One 

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN

I have been a clinical psychologist for fourteen years.

With a hand on my heart, I can tell you it is one of my life’s greatest privileges to do this job. In this time, I have been witness to many different stories and many different struggles. I have sat alongside pain and suffering and been privy to the extraordinary and ordinary process of healing, growing and changing. Although I have worked with a wide range of mental health issues, at the foundation of the stories I have heard is a certain experience. This being stuck.

While the word ‘stuck’ is not a clinical term or a diagnosis, it is central in almost all psychological conditions. The type and severity with which we encounter being stuck is of course unique, but it is nonetheless a universal experience. As long as you are human, you will know what it is to get stuck. Stuck in a job, stuck in a relationship, stuck in parenting, stuck in anxiety, stuck in indecision, stuck in depression, stuck in trauma, stuck in grief, stuck in your body. There are myriad ways in which we experience being stuck. However, I must emphasise this at the very beginning of this book: whatever your mind says, whatever experiences you have had in the past, there is nothing about you that is broken. Stuck, maybe yes, but never broken. Not once have I ever looked at a client and thought, ‘Well, they’re broken.’ Broken implies that we are defective in some way. It also deeply implies we are in need of fixing. But here is the truth: humans cannot be ‘cured’ or ‘fixed’ from pain. There is nothing abnormal or wrong about experiencing painful thoughts, memories, urges, feelings and sensations. Equally, there is nothing wrong with us struggling with this pain. Both are very normal. Pain, and our struggle with it, is a basic characteristic of being alive. This aspect of being alive doesn’t call for control or eradication. Instead, it calls us to turn towards it.

This will most likely sound counter-intuitive and quite frankly very unappealing! Becoming unstuck, however, is about learning how to flexibly turn towards our suffering so that we can live now, and live with vitality, meaning and purpose. Viewing our difficulties in life through a lens of being stuck, rather than being broken, offers us great hopefulness. Stuck, if we allow it to be, is temporary. It may be very difficult work, and it may take some time, but getting unstuck is entirely possible. I have seen it and I have felt it. In the therapy room, it looks like more eye contact, it looks like a change in body posture, it looks like more laughter, more openness, and a flexibility of thoughts and perspectives. Long-held rules, judgements and stories are let go of. It feels like people are coming back to life. Even in the midst of enormous pain, there is always possibility for change as long as we are willing to be open, to be present and to do what matters.

If you have been to therapy before, much of what I am saying may sound familiar to you.

As a psychologist, I am trained in and informed by several different therapeutic approaches. The one that has resonated

most strongly with me across the years, and is the foundation of this book, is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Originally developed by psychologist Steven C Hayes and his colleagues Kelly Wilson and Kirk Strosohl in the 1980s, it has been consistently demonstrated as a highly effective treat- ment approach for a wide range of concerns. The reason why I tend to work from this model is because of its view of human behaviour and functioning. It is inherently optimistic. It moves away from a traditional medical model approach to mental health that has historically focused on pathology, disorder and diagnosis. It doesn’t seek to ‘get rid’ of symptoms. Instead, it asks whether what we are doing, both in our minds and in our actions, is working to create a life that is ‘rich, full and mean- ingful’. It does so with an attitude of curiosity, openness and compassion.

While this is not strictly an ACT book, the strategies that I will share are very much informed by this and other related ‘third wave’ models of psychological treatment (i.e., Mindfulness and Compassion-based approaches, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). On this note, it’s important before I continue to provide the following disclaimer: All the tools, methodologies, theories and approaches expressed in this book are not of my original thought. While I have adapted some of the techniques that we explore to match my personal style, they are not my ideas! I am not a researcher, an academic or a scientist. I am a regular psychologist. I do what all psychologists do – I have studied, trained, read a lot, asked a lot of questions and had a lot of questions asked of me. I have reflected with and listened to hundreds of people across the last 15 years or so. I have worked in a range of public and private settings, and now currently own and operate a private practice in Perth, Western Australia. I don’t view myself as an expert. In this field there is no end to the learning and for me, there is no end to the quest for understanding.

In the middle of 2021, my old friend Hugh Van Cuylenburg, founder of The Resilience Project, contacted me to tell me about a podcast called The Imperfects that he was doing with his friend Ryan Shelton and his brother Josh. Hugh said it was getting quite a bit of traction and they felt they might need a psychologist to check that the content they were producing was safe for listeners. He asked would I be interested in reviewing the episodes? Having already listened to some of their content, it was clear to me they were producing something really impor- tant. Mid-pandemic, amid this collective experience of isolation and suffering, the podcast appeared to be offering a felt sense of community. Feeling close to others was a need so desperately yearned for at that time. From my point of view, the boys were not only modelling the power of vulnerability but also the incredible power of friendship, authenticity and connection. It felt different to anything else I had heard and in that way it felt particularly special. So, I said yes wholeheartedly. 

At the time, I had just moved from working in a big team of allied health professionals to working as sole trader. I was happy to have my own practice, but I deeply missed working with other people. The Imperfects made me feel like I was once again part of a team, and importantly part of something bigger than myself. I was thrilled. Then in December 2021, I received a voice memo from Hugh: ‘We’ve had an idea.’ With some trepidation I listened as he proceeded to ask me whether I would come on the show as a regular guest. I remember feeling scared and very hesitant. It’s one thing to be doing therapy face to face with one person at a time but quite another to be speaking to a very large, invisible and potentially critical audience! But Hugh very reassuringly said, ‘You will be amazed at how quickly it won’t be scary. It really does feel like you are having a chat with friends at the pub.’

I smile as I write this, because that is exactly what it has felt like. This role has brought me an immense amount of joy, meaning and purpose. Across my career I have always been very aware that seeing a psychologist and having therapy is a privi- lege that not everyone is afforded. In doing this work with The Imperfects, my hope has been that in some small way I can offer support and education particularly for those who cannot access their own therapy.

Much like my role on The Imperfects, my purpose in this book is to communicate what the science is telling us and to share with you my observations about what works. In the chapters that follow, you will find a toolkit of evidence-based strategies that I commonly use in my practice. There are, of course, many other strategies and many other treatment modalities that are equally helpful and effective. However, these are the ones that make the most sense to me. 

But before we get there, in in a manner true of a psychologist, I first need to manage some expectations. To put it bluntly, this book is not therapy. If you have been to therapy, this might feel obvious but let me explain. What this book, or any book for that matter, cannot do is offer what has been demonstrated as the most critical aspect of therapy – the relationship you build with your therapist. If there ever was a magic solution to our suffering, it would come in the form of a safe, trusting and empathic relationship. Despite decades of research and debate about what constitutes effective treatment, it is our connection that matters most. So, in this sense I cannot offer you that.

Equally, what I cannot offer is an individualised treatment plan that speaks to your unique history, experience and circum- stances. Therapy is not a one-size-fits-all experience. It is for these reasons, I have to admit, when I was first contemplating writing a book, I noticed some part of me that felt sceptical. I found myself really questioning whether self-help actually helps. I wondered whether the act of reading a book was suffi- cient for producing meaningful change. Based on all the things that I knew about the therapeutic relationship, psychological treatment, and the change process, I felt very unsure. If it wasn’t helpful, why was I doing this? These questions kept circling my mind. Then, at the beginning of 2024, the encouragement to write this book came from an unexpected source. I had the opportunity to listen to tennis great Andre Agassi speak at a conference. It was truly one of the most surprising and remark- able talks I have ever witnessed. He spoke with a quiet humility but also with a fierce passion about what makes life worth living. When asked what kind of advice he could offer people who are struggling, he articulated the exact thing I had been grappling with. He said, ‘There is no advice I can offer. Information doesn’t lead to transformation. The missing link is encounter. It is the encounter you have with yourself that leads to transformation.’

It was this statement that connected me to the purpose of writing this book. It will not be my words that produce change, it will be how willing you are to encounter yourself as you read them. Knowledge is power, but it only becomes powerful when we are present, willing and open to our experience. As psychiatrist and author Dr Jud Brewer explains, ‘Just knowing information doesn’t change behaviour . . . Wisdom doesn’t develop from knowledge. You need that critical intermediate step of experience. Without our direct experience we’re not going to change behaviour.’ Direct experience happens off the page.

Within this book, you will not find a miracle cure, a silver bullet or a five-step plan to happiness. What you will find however is an invitation to directly encounter yourself. It is an invitation to turn towards what is already here within you, and to do so in a different way. I suggest you take your time, slow down and notice what is here in your experience. Throughout this book there will be many opportunities to practice new skills and to reflect upon your observations. Write notes, send yourself voice memos, highlight it, question it, and bring a curious mind. Treat yourself with kindness and tread lightly. But I do encourage you to take a risk, because if we don’t nothing will change.

Before we get to exploring this experience of being stuck there are two more important things I need to mention. First, although I am a psychologist with all this knowledge at my disposal, I am nonetheless a human being who also struggles. I have my own therapist and have seen different therapists across my life. I make mistakes and I get it wrong, possibly quite a lot! I have experienced profound grief, fear, sadness, longing, anger and resentment, all the big ones. And anyone who knows me will be aware that people pleasing lives in my bones. I have known and will know again what it feels like to be stuck. What my training and my understanding of the research has offered me is how to pay attention and how, if I am willing, to stay on track when I encounter challenges and setbacks. But I am far from perfect.

Second, it is really important to acknowledge from the outset that there are many people who face enormous and real barriers to significant change. Living with a disability, chronic illness, brain injury and abject poverty are examples. In a lot of circumstances, there may be little opportunity or capacity to change the external conditions we face. What we will focus on in this book is the power we do have. That is, how we relate to our experience in our minds, and how we can take action in the areas we where we do have control. This sentiment is never more powerfully expressed than by holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Dr Viktor Frankl in his memoir, Man’s Search for Meaning. The central message of his book is exemplified in this most poignant and well-known quote:

‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’

Whatever it is that brings you to this book, I invite you to hold this in mind. Life is hard and full of pain but between stimulus and response there is a space. And in this space there exists the possibility for us to become unstuck.