The Next Conversation

Not long after uploading my first video, I started to receive messages—thousands of them. So many that there was no way I could read, let alone respond to, all of them. The messages were from followers of my content asking me for advice.

They weren’t asking for my guidance on big philosophical questions about religion or politics, or even legal stuff. They wanted my advice on the day-to-day, micro moments about real things that real people struggle with, everything from mundane issues to stories that’ll rip your heart out.

• What do I say to a superior who always puts down my ideas?
• What do I say to my adult daughter who I haven’t seen in years?

What do I say to my partner, who always has to be right?

After thousands of messages like these, the one thing I’ve learned is that no matter how they frame the question, their problem isn’t what to say—it’s how to say it.

Whenever I get one of these questions, the first thing I ask is what my parents always asked me: “Well, what do you want them to know?” So far, I’ve never received back, “I don’t know.” I always get a quick answer. People already know what they want to say, because deep down, it’s a reflection of what they’re already feeling: I want them to know it hurts me. I want them to know I need space. I want them to know why I’m upset. The feelings reveal themselves naturally. But articulating those feelings to another person? Not so easy.

It’s deflating, really, how something so simple can feel so out of reach.

If you picked up this book, chances are you’re reaching for the same thing: real solutions for real problems. You don’t need the what, you need the how. How do you express yourself in a way that respects both your perspective and the perspective of the other person? How do you stand up for yourself without losing the relationship? How do you voice your thoughts with authenticity and empathy but still show that you have a backbone?

The easy answer you’re looking for is connection. The more honest answer you deserve is in the pages that lie ahead.

Why I Wrote This Book

I wrote this book for three reasons:

1. Because my social media followers asked for it. To me, it’s their book.
2. To teach you what I know that will improve your next conversation.
3. To preserve a piece of me for my kids and my family.

Before you crack into it, I need you to understand something important. The communication skills in this book aren’t borrowed principles. Outside of a few studies and commentary from other scientific fields—psychology, neuroscience, behavioral science—you won’t be seeing many sources. What you’re about to read is knowledge collected from my life experiences and how I communicate.

I am not a therapist. I am not a psychologist. If anything I say in this book somehow conflicts in some way with one of these specialists, believe them over me. I’m not going to ask you to identify your attachment style or encourage you to take a quiz to find out which conflict personality you have. If you’re looking to take a deep dive into the latest statistics or a case study about how the social dynamic patterns of bees can help you communicate, I’m not the guy for you.

What I’ve written are lessons from my daily grind in the real-world trenches of arguments, disagreements, heated debates, and difficult conversations.

What I offer is down-to-earth, homegrown advice outside of the textbooks and lectures.

And maybe that’s just what more of the world needs.