Figuring Out Thirty

"What is it about thirty that makes us all flip out?"

As a defining new decade loomed on the horizon, I thought I had everything figured out. I was in a long-term relationship with aspirations to settle down. I was financially independent and working a job I loved but had also found purpose outside of it with my endometriosis advocacy. I thought I was on the right track to having everything we are told we should have by the time we hit that milestone of the big 3-0. When we become a real adult.

These past few years, however, have proven otherwise. I’m thirty-three, and nothing is as I thought it would be. Shit kind of (read: really) hit the fan six weeks before I turned thirty and, as it turned out, heartbreak was only the beginning.

Between the ages of twenty-nine and thirty-three, I (inhale):

• was dumped by my partner of five years
• published my first book, How to Endo
• grieved the passing of a mentor
• had my second endometriosis surgery
• lived through six COVID-19 lockdowns
• relapsed into body image obsession
• became a single dog mum
• went on my first dating app date
• fell in love with someone five years my junior
• quit my dream job
• moved house five times and ended up interstate, 3417 kilometresfrom home
• received (and grieved) two new diagnoses, for ADHD and PMDD
• embraced new connections and experienced the demise offriendships
• delved into the complexities of generational trauma within myfamily
• pondered my sexuality, as well as my marital and maternal desires.

(Exhale). All of these things have made me question who I amand what I really want in life versus what I thought I should want. And let me tell you, such confrontation with oneself is Pretty Fucking Terrifying!

I was being paid to have conversations about music as a radio presenter on a national network but off air, I yearned to discuss the tumult of turning thirty and find out if I was alone in the chaos andconfusion of it all. So, like with my endometriosis experience, I created aplatform to talk about it. Except this time around, it wasn’t an Instagram account like @endogram, it was a podcast. Looking back on an entry in my Notes app, it was exactly five days prior to being dumped by my partner that I brain-dumped the concept in my phone:

I’ve just turned thirty and I’m freaking out. I know age is just a number and it’s not like your life suddenly changes the day you transition into a new decade, but there’s just something there that’s making me worry. An existential crisis of sorts. On paper, I’ d be looking pretty successful at my age. I host a live national radio program. I’m about to be known as an author. I’m in a long-term relationship. I’m doing well. But something feels off. I don’t own a house. I don’t have a kid. I’ve never fully raised my own pet. As a woman in music, I feel like I have an expiry date.

The timestamp was 1.16 a.m., which tells me that I was quietly smashing out my thoughts and feels in bed with my back turned on the snores of my ex-boyfriend. It’s wild to me that I was typing that out just days before we broke up. Maybe I could sense that something was about to happen.

On my 31st birthday, I launched Figuring Out 30 with ten episodes exploring heartbreak, career, fertility, dating, divorce, finance and astrology. I treated this project as a pilot season to see whether I enjoyed the podcast format and if anyone vibed this kind of content from me. I was quickly met with countless messages, mostly from women, who felt like they were the only ones dealing with uncertainty as they transitioned into their thirties. Listening to my podcast made them feel less alone and they also got a better sense of who I was beyond radio.

But there was still more I wanted to explore. What was it about thirty that made us all flip out? From Bridget Jones’ Diary to Sex and the City, pop culture has wielded significant influence in shaping our perception of what it means to turn thirty – especially for women. Maybe it was sold to you as ‘Thirty, flirty and thriving’ by Jenna Rink in Suddenly 30.

Or perhaps you know it as a distressed Rachel Green refusing to leaveher bedroom in season 7, episode 14 of Friends, ‘The One Where They All Turn Thirty’.

We have been raised in a milestone culture, encouraged to tick ourway through life in a heteronormative fashion:

University. Tick.
Career. Tick.
Husband. Tick.
House. Tick.
Baby. Tick.

But the world is not the same as it was when our parents were growing up. And a lot has changed as we have grown up. Yet we still seem to be subconsciously tied to these life markers. As we cross the threshold into our thirties, we often find ourselves standing at a place where our elaborate dreams collide with the stark truths of adulthood.

I wrote this book, not only to delve deeper into my own personal journey but also to explore new voices and perspectives on the things that so many of us struggle with at this point in our lives. Unlike How to Endo, this is not a guide with tips and tricks. In fact, this book mightleave you with more questions than answers (sorry!). But I want to offer my reflections to remind you that it is okay to still be figuring things out. That you are not alone in feeling scared, confused or frustrated. I want to take you through my highs and lows and rage at the bullshit but also empower you to reject any societal pressures of this decade.I want you to celebrate the lessons and the privilege that is ageing, thirty and beyond.

Speaking of, I want to acknowledge my privilege as a middle-class, cisgender white woman and that my experience is not every experience. I know the hardships I have faced are minute compared to everything else happening in the world and within marginalised communities, but I do hope my words might resonate in some small way.

So, let’s get into it! Starting with my 30th birthday, which, let’s just say, went completely off script . . .