All In

Why are there no relationship classes in high school? Honestly, it baffles me! Our relationships affect every aspect of our lives but very few of us are taught how to create and sustain healthy ones. Nor are we taught effective communication skills, conflict management skills or how to stay intimately connected over time.

This is why I’m here.

I want to give you a realistic understanding of what it takes to build a healthy, connected and conscious relationship. I’ll bust some myths about the romanticised version of love we see in the media, and help you to learn what is really important, what are reasonable expectations, and what unrealistic beliefs might be holding you back from getting the relationship you want. Importantly, I’ll explore why going ‘all in’ is the step many of us need but are too afraid to take.

But what exactly does it mean to go ‘all in’? Well, it’s simply being willing to fully invest in your yourself and in your relationship. They go hand in hand. I emphasise ‘willing’ because in my work, both professionally and personally, I have found that willingness is what sets apart those who make change and improve their relationships and those who do not.

To go all in, we need to be willing to look at ourselves, how we engage in our relationships and how our baggage and ‘stuff’ contributes to the challenges we experience. We have to be willing to let go of our pride and the need to always be right. We have to put aside getting our needs met and bring our attention back to the connection. That’s what this book is about; bringing your attention back to you and your relationship with yourself, and learning what it takes to create and sustain a thriving relationship with others.

You’ll hear the word ‘willing’ more times that I can count throughout this book. This is because no-one shows up fully healed. No-one shows up without baggage and ‘stuff’ they need to workon. No-one can meet all of your needs . . . but are they willing to show up and grow the connection with you? Are they willing to create a space for a shared experience? Do they value the ‘we’ rather than just the ‘me’?

When I talk about the ‘we’ and what it means to really show up, I often get pushback because many people think that we shouldn’t have to sacrifice anything in relationships, and that the person (or people) we choose should tick all our boxes. Honestly, that’s just not realistic. The truth is, no matter whom you choose, there is always going to be sacrifice. Relationships are tricky; they take a lot of effort and care to maintain, and sometimes people just don’t have the willingness or the ability to do the work.

In one way or another, we are all in ‘relationship recovery’. Every single one of us. We all have wounds from our childhood we are trying to heal through our adult relationships. We all look to our partner/s to care for us in the ways we feel we were neglected as kids. The problem is as adults we often choose people who struggle to show up for us in the ways we want and then we blame them for it. We have great expectations! We expect them to know what we like and dislike, what we want and need, and yet we don’t seem able to tell them.

We are all imperfect. Relationships require us to do the work . . . together. No-one is immune because we all have to process and grieve the ways we have been moulded and conditioned throughout our lives. Most of us have little conscious awareness of how this conditioning affects us, of how it determines our needs and behaviours. We simply go along, oblivious to how big a part our conditioning actually plays in our relationship issues.

I can’t tell you how many people come to therapy hoping I’ll just agree with them and say their partner is wrong and should change. We are blinded by our subjective reality and often believe it’s them, not us. But the thing is, it’s actually neither of you individually but both/all of you together. In this book, I’m not going to tell you how to change your partner/s. What I will do is teach you about yourself, help you understand why you show up and engage in relationships the way you do, and give you the opportunity to create the partnership you want to experience. If that sounds like what you’re looking for, then you’ve come to the right place.

Throughout the book, I’ll use real examples to describe a topic and drive a point home. All of the examples have been created by me and are composites representing themes I see in my therapy practice, the conversations I have about relationships, and the many DMs I receive on social media. None of these examples reflects any one person’s experience but rather demonstrates the issues that I see coming up again and again.

Throughout, I’ll share my own personal stories and experiences because I think it’s only fair that if we’re going on this journey together you learn a little bit about your guide! I am a sex and relationship therapist, but I am also someone who has had long-term committed relationships and many short dating experiences.

I have had relationships with people of different genders. I have had great, healthy relationships and, unfortunately, I have also had an abusive relationship.

I share all of this because I believe my personal experiences – along with my training and clinical practice – put me in a unique position. I think it helps me understand and relate to the challenges you face and hopefully will allow me to give you what you need.

In saying that, I also must acknowledge my privilege. I am a white, cisgender woman who, while not straight, benefits from straight privilege as I am straight passing. I grew up in an affluent area in Sydney and while my family was never wealthy, I benefited from living in a wealthy socioeconomic area. I have had the privilege of being able to access higher education. And I am very aware of how all of these factors have benefitted me throughout my life.

I have tried to make this book as inclusive as possible, but the reality is, the factors that influence how we show up in relationships (culture, trauma, family of origin, gender, race, religion, andso forth) mean it cannot be entirely inclusive, not least because most relationship research is based on straight, neurotypical and monogamous couples. With that in mind, I have done my best to provide information and tools which apply to a wide variety of situations.I hope that regardless of whether you’re in a monogamous relationship, an open relationship, are polycule, single, separated,or are just looking to deepen your relationship with yourself, you will take something valuable from this book.

The one thing I need from you is an open mind. This book isnot for those who are unwilling to look at themselves and go deep. It’s for the brave, for the adventurous, for those who are ready to explore why they are the way they are, and why they relate the way they do.

I am passionate about this reflective process. This is why the book begins with an examination of your beliefs about relationships. We’ll learn about attachment, and unpack how your emotions affect your relationships. Then we’ll move onto specific tools and strategies that will help you navigate common relationship challenges.

Finally, we’ll get to sex! This last section of the book will involve a bit of re-education. We’ll explore your relationship with your sexual self and work on liberating you from the expectations of how things should be so you can get back to focusing on pleasure.

All In is not about me coming to you as an expert. It’s about me, a fellow human who is also grappling with relationships. It’s about me wanting to share what I have learned from both my professional and personal experience. I write from a place of inclusivity and openness. It is not my role or my desire to prescribe any kind of relationship structure. Instead, I hope that the information and tools in this book will help you create secure, connected foundations in whatever relationship structure works for you.

My goal is that this book will help you to grow, learn, improve your connection with yourself and how you relate to others.I have called it All In because you can’t do this work with one foot out the door. You have to be willing to fully invest in the process.

So, if you’re ready . . . let’s dive all in!