Gay Science: The Totally Scientific Examination of LGBTQ+ Culture, Myths, and Trends

What are Guncles?

The Tea: The guncle clout is real.

GET PREPARED

You’ll learn how to:

• ­Understand where gay uncles came from
• ­Identify the three guncle types­
• Familiarize yourself with the lesbiaunt

Why it’s important:

• ­ Guncles are the backbone of every family unit (if they want to be).

WHY WE HAVE GUNCLES

A guncle, or a gay uncle, is an evolutionary safety mechanism that counterbalances the high mortality rates of biological fathers. Guncles allow young children to retain a next-of-kin protector if their dad is devoured by wolves, or leaves in the middle of the night.

THE THREE TYPES OF GUNCLES

Dedicated Guncle

This emotionally and physically available homosexual considers his nieces and nephews a blessing. You might find him proudly showing disinterested gay men a video he took of a toddler he’s related to doing absolutely nothing.

The dedicated guncle hangs the kid’s terrible macaroni art on his fridge next to all his same-sex wedding save-the-dates.

Real-Talk Guncle

This guncle treats his nieces and nephews like grown adults. Open-source and un­adltered, he opts for fast-tracking and real-world advice, letting kids know that they can and should modify and customize everything in their lives.

This guncle will stage a puppet show to reenact how the Taylor Swift and Scooter Braun drama went down. He coaches his nieces and nephews on the best kids for them to connect with at recess for social gain. He also encourages his kin early on to consider who their chosen pop diva will be.

Disappearing Guncle

Children are aliens to the disappearing guncle. He finds their mannerisms too confusing and unpredictable. Though this guncle is usually out of the loop, he may sometimes appear to have a close relationship with his nieces and nephews because he exclusively uses them for photo opportunities to attract the attention of the dedicated guncle.

WHAT ARE LESBIAUNTS?

Lesbiaunts, or lesbian aunts, were born out of a biological need to have someone cool in the family. And when it comes to gift-giving, a double-income-no-kids lesbiaunt duo is unmatched.

SERVING CONCLUSIONS

• You really gotta love a kid to keep their art.
• Teach them how Mariah Carey escaped Tommy Mottola, but with puppets.